How to Survive Tekserve

A step-by-step survival guide.
(Dedicated to Paulina)

1. Don’t go. Send an intern, assistant, or enemy.

2. If you are the intern, assistant or enemy go to step 3.

3. Be strong. Remember as soon as you walk through the door you transform into a despicable customer and moron.

4. Bring a book. I recommend War and Peace; you will at least get through book one before your number is called.

5. Go between the hours of 10:30 -11:00am or 4:00 – 4:15pm. Never go on your lunch break, unless you are fasting.

6. Wear loose fitting, lightweight clothing. Since you will be waiting an inordinate amount of time either standing or sitting
on uncomfortable plastic chairs, think airport wear. The temperature is abnormally high due in part to the employees
exerting copious amounts of mental energy to create inventive new ways to insult you.

7. Take the F/V train to 23rd and & 7th, walk west and open the front door.

8. No matter what DO NOT explain away your computer woes to the man/woman at the desk. They do not care and only
have two purposes: Giving you a number and telling you to wait by the fish tank.

9. Walk over to the rows of aforementioned plastic torture furniture and wait with the other losers, err, I mean customers.

10. Wait…wait some more. Watch as a number of employees occupy places at the customer service table, fail to call out
your or anyone’s number, then leave.

11. What is that smell? Most likely the person sitting next you, who did not read step 6, has just expired from overheating.

12. After finishing Book one your number is called. Walk up to the counter. Don’t take longer than 16 seconds to respond
or else you will lose your turn. Explain your problem as simply as possible.

13. No matter what the problem is, it will take 2-18 weeks to fix. And the cost of repair? Don’t be foolish, you can’t afford
it. Use this simple formula to calculate the cost: multiply the national debt by 2 and divide by four.

14. When you balk at the cost and threaten to do it yourself or go somewhere else, be prepared for the salesperson to flash
you a look of utmost contempt and tell you that doing so will cause a black out on the eastern seaboard or a Tsunami.

15. You are now left with two choices: Leave your computer or take it back and find someone else to do the repairs.

16. If you go with option 1, Vaya Con Dios.

17. If you go with Option 2, I know of a great repair shop out of Kansas that will repair your mac at half the price, free
overnight shipping included.