Christmas Bazzar: Truly Bizarre.

I was invited to a Christmas Bazaar this weekend, and bizarre it was. All the local artists were selling the same item: colorful feathers. The feathers were crafted into numerous jewelry pieces, clothing embellishments, and adornments; feather greeting cards, feather wallets, feather headbands, feathered feathers. I wondered at the difference in feathers and pricing from vendor to vendor.
A vendor caught me gawking at her menagerie of hot pink-feathered items.
"Our feathers are made from 100% recycled pigeon. Totally biodegradable and eco-friendly. American made, oh and fair-trade too."
I asked the woman to explain how a pigeon feather falls into the fair-trade category.
"Well, we buy them off homeless people. And not just any homeless, but amputee Korean war veterans suffering from final stages of dementia. We offer them food stamps and shelter in exchange for deceased city pigeons."
"Wow that is er, very noble of you."
"Are you interested in a pink pigeon feather earring?"
I declined. She frowned and said beneath her breath, "you just killed a homeless vet."
I walked away from her stall, and over to a woman hawking feather headbands for $50 a pop. I asked her how she had arrived at the price. She explained in a slow painful valley drawl, that since these were fair trade products, her manufacturing costs increased.
"You see we are involved in a truly awesome program in which we pay amputee Korean war vets, suffering from final stages of dementia, to dye the feathers and sew the bands together. Right here in downtown LA. Are you interested in a headband? You would totally look like Katie Holmes in one."
Again, I declined the feather product. I heard her whisper "Bitch just killed a vet,"
I walked towards a food stall. The food stall had only one item: a vegan, gluten free, fair trade, sushi roll. The woman selling the roll asked if I was hungry.
"Not particularly."
"Then why not have it for lunch tomorrow? There is no gluten, so it is sooo good for you. It is totally high in protein. Only five dollars."
I don't understand why gluten is ingredient non-grata in Los Angeles. And, the last thing I wanted was to digest a sushi roll of indeterminate age for lunch, never mind, any meal of the day. I declined, but she was persistent.
"You should totally eat this because, not only is it good for your health, but it is sooo good for your soul. Our rolls were made by homeless amputee Korean war vets suffering from the final stages of dementia. We have a food program called 'No-gluten, No-guns,' where we teach the vets how to roll sushi, and all they have to do is promise not to eat gluten or fire a gun."
This time I ran away. I'm sure she cursed me under her breath.

Walking the First Bitch

After days of intense negotiations, President-elect Barack Obama, has agreed to take me on as his personal dog walker. I will remotely walk the dog, Sarah Palin, twice a day. Of course I won't physically walk her; as I awarded a no-bid contract to Kellog, Brown, and Root (a division of Halibruton) this exclusive privilege.
Since KBR has a 'no shit' clause, I auctioned off the doggy dootie duty on Ebay. The winning bid was submitted by Rod Blagojevich. I have total faith in his ability to pick up Sarah's patriotic plops from the White House lawn, with the reverence that it deserves.
I've signed a non-disclosure agreement, therefore I can not reveal that the dog is an Alaskan Malamute.

Nail Salon dogs

Dear Tina:

You had asked me a while back what I thought the biggest difference between Los Angeles and New York was; in three words- Nail Salon Dogs. New Yorker's would never stand for this imposition, yet Los Angelinos think it is "cute."

In my experience nail salon dogs come in two breeds: annoying and yappy. What is that you say, Tina? Is the dog a health code violation? I do not know, but what I do know is this: as a customer you are expected to coo at said mutt like a retarded slobbering child, pet it, allow it to lick your toes, and rape your limbs. Failing to show interest in the dog will compromise your mani/pedi.

Well, Tina, today I had my nails done, and sure enough the salon had a dog. This four-legged genetic wonder was the result of a Shiz-tzu coupling with a mop. I watched in horror as it propelled itself across the floor on its nipples and fur. Then, like a hoover in reverse, deposited nail bits and other detritus on the waiting room couch. Yap-yap-yapping along its cordless journey, the dog decided to wrap itself around my legs. I gagged and swatted the dog away. A normal reaction, right Tina? Well, apparently not, because my gag offended the uptight prissy lady to my left. She muttered under her breath "irritating." She then picked up the beast and cradled it to her bosom. Tina, guess what the bitch's name was? Not the woman, the dog - Lucky.

I could deal with the woman. She obviously needed her pussy pumiced; and judging by her poor taste in clothes and polish she had a long wait ahead of her. However, Tina, what really cut my cuticle was what happened next. Are you eating? If so, extract the side pickle from your gob. Is it out...good. So, the salon owner retrieved the dog from the bitch's bosom, then began to methodically pick fleas, or some other unidentified parasitic creature, from the waxy depths of the dog's ears.

Enjoy the rest of your lunch.

Bow wow,
AK

The chunky frog

Over the summer, I wrote a series peanut butter parables. I was inspired to write these shorts after reading Jim Crace's "The Devil's Larder."

Enjoy:

"Beurre D'arachide"

The Frenchman ate my peanut butter. He slathered his croissant, scooped a dollop onto his crepe, and bathed his baguette in the brown, sugary, high-fructose Skippy brand spread. He paired it with Nutella. I spied him coating the rim of his wine glass with a glob of the chunky stuff.

"Does he make use of it in bed?" I asked his lover, Christine. She turned up her nose. "I do not understand his obsession. It is dégoutant."

As I bid Christine adieu, my eyes fell upon a brutal scene: the peanut butter jar was broken in half, finger fucked by the Frenchmen to death, lying empty and spent on the counter.

Christine, sensing my dismay, whispered, “Do not blame Julien. I broke the jar in a fit of jealous rage, but before I split that bitch in two I licked her innards clean.”

A sinister smile crept across her pretty face as she delivered the final blow, “and I made him watch.”

Student Thesis Film: vomited from vhs to quicktime for your viewing pleasure

I have transferred my student thesis film Deadline from VHS to QT. Please enjoy. A few notes on the production:
- Pay attention to the dates
- I fired our script supervisor half way into filming, although she some how made it into the credits. She was a xenophobic cow and I mean that figuratively an literally.
- Our combined budget $2000 USD. Our producers spent our food budget on beer and pot for a party that they were kind enough to invite us to.
- cut (with scissors) on a steenbeck.
- Shot 16mm Fuji film stock on location in Prague, CZ.
- The actor playing the security guard improvised his lines. It is hard to decipher through his thick Irish accent just what he is saying. I attribute this to his showing up drunk on set.

Driving through McCain no country for old men

Currently rolling down I-10W towards Phoenix. Just passed Wilcox, AZ whose claim to fame is absolutely nothing! I am considerably hungry and yet I can't bare the thought of consuming anymore meat or string cheese. We passed a Whole Foods truck and I thought about committing an act of highway piracy wherein I run the truck off the road, tie up the driver who is suffering from only superficial injuries, and pillage the innards of the truck and feast on a bounty of vegetables and fruit.
I will update tonight with the travels from the last few days. Highlights include- exotic species road kill, Texas Cadillacs, New Mexican beef and a run in with the border patrol. Stay tuned or don't, whatever.

DAY 4: BLACKSBURG, VA to AUSTIN TX

A Korean, A Jew and a Jetta drive into the deep south. Ok, this is not a joke. Yesterday we drove 20 straight hours from Blacksburg, VA to Austin TX. I was quite lucid until about 60 miles outside of Austin. We saw quite a few interesting cars on our trip down south, especially in the Tennessee area. We were rather disappointed by the lack of road kill for most of the drive down the music highway (I40W Tennessee), but our spirits were lifted and the 100 mile plus road kill drought was broken by a squashed armadillo. And what excitement! As this was the first armadillo sighting on our drive, albeit a dead one. We are sure to spot quite a few more once we leave Texas.

Roadkill: 2 squirelles, 2 cats, 3 raccoons, 2 possums, 1 dog, 2 unidentified, 1 armadillo
Miles: 1000
States: VA, TN, AR, TX
Best town name: Bucksnort, TN
Best car siting: Delorean
Lunch: string cheese from a rest stop in Brownsville, TN
Dinner: some meat substance in Memphis, TN
Breakfast: 2 eggs at Gillies
Best lines from Anita: "This iced teas is so sweet I think I just got diabetes." Best lines from Atalie: referring to the lack of roadkill in Tennessee "I think the animals are smarter than the people."


- Rest Stop in Tennesee


- Jebediah resting in Tennessee


- Behind the Jet Williams tour bus on I-81 in Virginia


- "1.21 gigawatts"